the darkness runs deep
deep like the galaxies
like sunset shadows
and penetrating pupils
the darkness runs deep
and i,
i am learning to
dive.
learning to
swim
learning not to
fear those
depths
learning to
ride those
waves
of
apprehension
those rising tides
of fear
that threaten
to wash away
the shore
sweep me out
to sea
with the moon’s
gravitational pull
but i am learning
that the ebb
will turn to
flow
and the moon
always returns,
never not-there
and i
i am learning to
dive.
hands outstretched,
parting saltwater
curtains,
gliding like a
pretend-to-be mermaid
at home on
the bottom
feeling weightless
though surrounded
in some moments,
i’ve never felt
so
free.
can you imagine that feeling?
a child on the dock.
sun licking water off fresh skin.
knees bent, arms poised as a dolphin,
pushing off,
and,
for a moment,
flying
flying through oxygen-air
then
flying through
oxygen-water.
hair flowing,
legs kicking in slow motion.
propelled by sheer
delight of
exploration.
breath held,
not in panic,
but as one,
for a moment, transcending
that which is necessary
for life.
then with one forceful kick
breaking the
smooth surface,
the exhalation as sweet
as the in-breathe
essential.
some days,
i am really scared of drowning.
some days,
i hold my breath.
some days,
i flail and try to take down
anyone who dares reach out
to save me.
some days,
i won’t leave the dock.
some days,
i can’t leave the dock.
and some days,
the waves are so high,
they sweep me away,
fully clothed.
once again,
unprepared.
but i am learning to read the moon.
to watch my tides rise and flow.
i am learning to swim.
learning how to breathe underwater
learning to see beauty
in this murky underworld
where the sun casts
shadows but
doesn’t penetrate
the depths.
some days,
i catch my breath,
catch a rest.
some days,
i learn to surrender.
some days,
i float on my back
under the cloudy sky
and breathe the
scent of lilacs.
and some days,
i propel deeper
hold my breath longer
explore further
the darkness still runs deep.
i’m just learning
to swim.
(april 2016)
.... 3.5 years later.... i'm still in swimming lessons....